I can vaguely---recall---the panic attacks I’d get when I was young
and how my lower back would ache when my bottom rib stuck to my lung. How were they suppose to know---I wasn’t lying-_crying wolf-
all I wanted was a hug All I got –was---stop your crying---
pleasure died that day between the rusty swing set monkey bars—
the more Id run from that the more I found I never got too far
from an---ugly memory just--waiting to remind me
how naïve and vulnerable I was before my eyes could see us dying

Out of tune out off touch nothing new just---not enough
Never thought there’d come a day where I’d consider giving up.
I’ve hit the ground been down and out before but never for this long..
it’s never been so hard to force my head Up

When it rains it pours…I lay my face it drifts away
I know that this isn’t me…I know who I want to be.
all that I’ve been working for suddenly means nothing Now.
build a castle watch it crumble no more walls –a dummy’s smile

waves crashing pulling shore-----lifting—drenched weeping—sore--—WAVES CRASHING WAVE4S—shore---

I Find myself spending time trying to figure out whats wrong
Instead of taking time to cry and reflecting all alone.
All day long Its almost gone I can feel it in my gut—what ive done who I was who I am and--why I run….

I---Took a test—took a guess—It was wrong—I made it up— made it right—I know Ill die---its quite----alright---I know I’m strong---makes me cry…keep it in--til I can’t— that’s the problem---I have- yet to figure out how to adapt to sudden trauma---somethings wrong-theres something here— something I can’t be a part of-_ left out—I want the-- lead—what is this for—I help the world—I hurt it more watch it bleed--need forgiveness—ohhh Im sorry---over confident—Contrived-cuz--Im still trying to hide my flaws--

waves crashing pulling shore-----lifting—drenched weeping—sore--—WAVES CRASHING WAVE4S—shore---

I watch the cheetah chase its prey-
I look away she licks the blood.
I cried until I watched her lay and feed it to her little cub-
Im not sure what I need—but this isn’t what I want
my decisions tire me ---wiring got tied knots
witnessing a murder is half the reason why—I feel half alive-unsure concerned with
with why we have to die--


I know that this isn’t fair but in time will we find out—exactly how we wound up here—and---why our insides-cry Outloud.---Im a cloud----vapor child …You can’t count on me right now---Im dissolving---Falling slowly ---fading hope I make it out—sink or drown—Get back up make a path—take a walk grab my partner by the hand ask her if she’d like to come….gotta go—its okay-------save the rest for in between—no mistake could take the place—of lessons learned—chase or flee.

waves crashing pulling shore-----lifting—drenched weeping—sore--—WAVES CRASHING WAVE4S—shore---


Nature has its way with me it takes what I call mine
From six feet deep climbing up out to cloud nine.
No direction in my sense turned my world from out to in

side—lies head.

Its my world—it’s the end
Let me spin back in control.
New beginning—
hole I left
feels a lot more like my---home
something I’ve learned to accept.
higher float—low I get.
There no fence.
Clear as day
comes in waves
glad you’re here---
reconnecting-with my birth gaining faith-painting fear-aging aches—tasting love-making love—tasting tears—making war-=-waging-it—breaking up—perfect picture timing naked—making it—facing it----now--waking up.


Shore.